A simple guy, in search of the truth …

Spk’s in town (en route to raleigh). Went to College for a drive at 12 midnite. Reached the college at 1 after much struggle. I swear RV has improved incredibly; in fact it looks a lot like some IT company in whitefield!!! SPK (aka speaker) was busy narrating his anecdotes – his uncountable crushes (and few of mine) during college life – to Pawan and Sabya who were accompanying us, and I soon realized there were really few things I seemed to recollect. Strange me! Enquired at the Gate reception, but getting in looked difficult – the guard asked us to wait for sometime. So we decided we’d walk along the boundary. Had a view of the Admin block. I recalled the classrooms I used to be fond of those days. Reached the far end of the canteen, and some of the not-so-happy memories flashed past. Came back to the gate, but despite incessant pleadings we weren’t allowed to step in. Finally gave up. Reached home at around 2. The speaker was ruthless and far and from giving up though.

Soon we found ourselves amidst arbit reflections on the past, about the college, about how things could’ve been different but for a few “stupid” decisions and how naïve we used to be. I always believe that I’ve grown a lot as an individual after leaving college, and at times tend to mock my past, those so called ‘dark ages’. I was at some level trying to run away from my past. Soon dawned upon me that even today, if I was confronted with the same situation, I might end up treading the same path. This made me a bit uncomfortable, but soon found solace in the fact that I was making too many assumptions. It’s been about 4 years now, and by now I had had a better shot at my life, with more experience and context around me than ever before.

We (Spk and I) were soon clocking 100% CPU utilization. I looked back at my life then and realized I was in search for something, unawares. Tumbled down the rabbit hole for a few more years, and now, I seemed to be somewhat cognizant of what the search was about [my orkut profile surely is in sync]. I won’t say I know what I want to do in life – let’s not really go there yetJ. Dug in a bit further, and I managed to rephrase the Butterfly effect – theoretically life is deterministic and that if one is to go about objectively dissecting it, one would only be left with variables. We’re constrained by our practical limits to discern only some of these variables, largely ignoring the rest of the lot. I never recognized these variables when in college. Today, I appreciate and feel their presence in every sphere of life and that’s what the search was about. Wasn’t particularly interested in their values, but just how deep they went, as the variables are variables too [it’s like this meta about meta thingyJ]. In a way, wasn’t Education’s sole purpose to aware me of more of these variables, so I could better predict the behavior of entities specific to my field of study [although in very specific ways]. In short, knowing more variables ups my clairvoyance quotient, so I could plan my life better. In contrast, Chaos Theory says that though the system is deterministic, the behavior of the system is random and which cannot be predicted. Though it appears to be the converse of the Butterfly effect, but I interpret it as a mere consequence of the unknown variables. So IMO, Butterfly effect and Chaos are related, much like as ‘cause and effect’, or more accurately, means and manifestation.

This is in fact just like the relationship between Fate and Destiny (although I feel these terms are generally misconstrued to be the same). I feel what distinguishes them is the direction of reference. I look backwards, I see my Fate. On the other hand, when I look ahead, I speculate my destiny (which again becomes my fate, if I change my point of reference). The more I look back, the more I relate to the variables which shaped my fate (butterfly effect), and which I then use to extrapolate to predict my destiny. As I said before, it’s just the overwhelming set of variables, which lead me into believing that my destiny is in chaos. I’d like to believe it’s the cycle of reflecting and extrapolating that helps unify these theories (though converging only at infinity), and it’s tempting to believe that I could constantly reduce the delta between my objectives and my “chaotic” destiny, and feel more in control of my life.

Not quiet! This control only seems to be an illusion. Thanks to chaos, I can’t even control my objectives in the next few minutes, objectives of life are a lot more distant. What I can only control is my present and create an atmosphere where preparation would meet opportunity (again some variables), where ‘my variables’ could resonate well with the unknowns. Cuz my future is just a non-exclusive culmination of each of these zillion presents. I always struggled to truly appreciate the adage – ‘Live in the present’ (though it sounded hep). It sorta falls in place now. The present weaves the path to one’s future (though the present is generally inspired by one’s future dreams). Present is the platform which allows us to do our Karma, which is nothing but the initialization (value-setting) of variables that one is aware of. And that’s the best that I can do, and leave the rest to the chaos (for the unknown variables to manifest their karma) surrounding my destiny. Karmanye-vaadhikaraste maa-phaleshu kadachan makes so much more sense.

We should certainly try and shape our future, but just that the focus should be on the present. For if we focus on future the present loses its meaning. I had a strange realization during the recent India-WI series when the matches were telecasted on DD Sports with a 7 min delay, and one could check cricinfo.org to get the live scores. In the first few matches in the series, I’d always check the latest scores on the website and feel in control of my future knowing how I was going to feel and react when my present reaches that point, but I realized that slowly I’d lost interest in the present (telecast). Finally I gave up and stopped visiting cricinfo.org, I wasn’t anymore interested in the future. Strange contradiction, isnt it! Only emphasizes the need to live the present and karma, without unduly fretting over the future (or for that matter even your past).

This gyaan session seemed to have gone on for too long (till about 6-30 in the morning), reminiscent of days in college by the electrical dept terrace facing the slanting road leading to our hostels. It’s strange how we tend to retain most our variables but lose reference to them over time (dash being the only exception I know so far ;) ). They are like linked lists so when you recollect one, the rest tend to surface and so on. Wow I seemed to recollect a lot more things about college than I initially thought. Felt good.

Before sunrise/sunset

#203 watched Before Sunrise/Sunset last nite, back to back ... im not one who watches too many movies ... but am sure romantic movies cant get better than this ... (PS: This isnt a movie review, but just tht this got me thinking)

Its a movie about a young american, Jesse and a young french woman,Celine. It about how it takes small things for people to connect, things we typically ignore - innocense, compassion.
So, Jesse and Celine meet in a Eu-rail coach and after talking for a while, Jesse convinces Celine to get off the train with him at Vienna so they can spend more time together.

"
Jesse: Alright, alright. Think of it like this. Um, uh, jump ahead, ten, twenty years, okay, and you're married. Only your marriage doesn't have that same energy that it used to have, you know. You start to blame your husband. You start to think about all those guys you've met in your life, and what might have happened if you'd picked up with one of them, right? (Céline starts laughing a bit) Well, I'm one of those guys. That's me, you know. So think of this as time travel, from then, to now, uh, to find out what you're missing out on. See, what this really could be is a gigantic favor to both you and your future husband, to find out that you're not missing out on anything. I'm just as big a loser as he is, totally unmotivated, totally boring, and, uh, you made the right choice, and you're really happy (motions to towards the door).
"

More here

Taking place over the course of one night, their limited time together is always on their minds, and leads to their revealing more about themselves than they normally would, since both believe they will never again see one another again. They scale the lanes of Vienna, unknown to the world around, living anonymously for a change. There's something enigmatic about anonymous existence, you unconsciously transform into a different human being, lose your baggage, back your instincts. You feel 'HIGH'.

It's ironical that life's self-balancing wrt everything, n invariably comes back full circle. So, as the two got more into each other's lives, the idea of walking away the next day started looking distant. So, their emotions got the better of them n they finally decide to meet in freezing Vienna after 6th months, on Dec 16th. And interestingly, we watched the movie last nite ... quite a co-incidence! (Moreover 16th June's certainly a red-letter-day in Ankit's calender)!

The first movie ends on an optimistic note ... and you wish they meet up n live happily ever after ... the sequel is much more realistic. Entire Script here

As reality takes over, Celine fails to turn up. 9 years pass n by now Jesse is married n has a kid, but far from happy. Celine has had many relationships, searching for a Jesse in each of one them; each relationship damaging her from inside. Meanwhile Jesse spends 3-4 yrs to penn down that single day that turned his life on its head, into a best-seller, with the hope that Celine would some day ... Finally they meet, to set off a conversation lasting 90 minutes. Every line in the conversation reflects how connected they were despite their isolation for 9 yrs. Every line talks about the what ifs, and why nots. Both Jesse and Celine look so helpless, failing to come to terms with what had transpired, wondering how different their lives had turned out to be, from what they'd dreamt during their hey days. The ending, as expected was left for much speculation. Only wish, life allowed parallel existence.

"
Celine: Oh, God, why didn't we exchange phone numbers and stuff?
Jess: Why didn't we do that?
Celine: Because we were young and stupid?
Jess: You think we still are?
Celine: I guess when you're young... you just believe... there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life you only realize it only happens a few times.
"


"
Jess: In the months leading up to my wedding, ok, I was thinking about you, all the time. I mean, even on my way there... I'm in the car, and a buddy of mine is driving me downtown, and I'm staring at the window... and I think I see you.
Celine: Not far from the church, right.
Jess: Folding up an umbrella, and walking into a deli, on the corner of... 13th and Broadway.

Celine: And I thought I was going crazy, you know?
But now I think it probably was you...
I lived on 11th and Broadway.
"


"
Celine: I don't believe in anything that relates to love, I don't feel things for people anymore.
In a way... I put all my romanticism into that one night and I was never able to feel all this again.

Like... somehow this night took things away from me and...
I expressed them to you and you took them with you!
It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me!
"

No words could describe the emotions flaring between them. It really makes me wonder wht a big difference someone somewhere in such a small time can make to your life; wht its like to be loved by someone ... n to be able to give love in return.

i feel good .... umm ... sure ?

got a good change after talisma, was a great reason to celebrate ... but suddenly it pains to leave Talisma after close to 3 yrs ... it really hit me hard when i was looking at the Talisma building from the PI cafetaria this evening with dash ... the building seemed devoid of the life, once it boasted with absolute disdain and audacity ... thr it stands bare, with all its energy gradually drained out ... the beating it got after the rajkumar riots was the last nail in the coffin ... was feeling strange ... in fact i donn even know if this is the last hour im spending in this building ... as i've got a flight to catch to mumbai early tomm morning ... 15th may's the Last wrking day, n looks like the last mail from abhijeetg@Talisma.com is all set to happen from some sad corner in Mumbai ...

then again was thrilled about working with some of the best brains (of Talisma) at PI, and break from my hectic out-of-the-suitcase schedule, and tht I'd for once get to spend a lot more time home @ 203 ... wasnt to last too long as i'd forgotten the jolt 203 was to get,wen two of its brightest kids make their way to A, this june; tht 203 wasnt to be the 203 ever again. Was sad ...

then again was thrilled about barua's long awaited home-coming this may, for wht I'd call the grand finale of one of the best real life love stories ... but i'd forgotten that nammi's leaving for dubai early tomm morning; cudnt spend much time with her during this so to say long trip (3 days!!) to blr ... good enuff for the mood to oscillate to the other extreme again ...

its a strange feeling ... life is never a straigt line ...
as dash once put it very innocently... 'mujhe straight lines achche lagte hain ....' how true ... n how i wish ...

thankfully it just took a call from across the arabian, to bring that smile back ... and make those lines straight ...
i feel good ...

cme bck to life ...

Haven’t posted anything for a long time now … As nammi puts it, I’ve been literally living out of my suitcase for the past 3-4 months … Mumbai rocks … but life sucks!

No wonder I've been drinking too often lately … drank the last 4 days that I was in Mumbai. Met dad this time in Mumbai, free booze for 2 more days; finally I get back to Bangalore n Dash says – ‘dude, bahut dino se piya nahi hai be …’ … n that makes it 7 days on the trot …. Such a drunkard I’ve become … Been lucky to have actually managed to stay put a good 2 weeks in Bangalore now … feel so much relaxed in life … not sure if its for good or bad … the booze is still a regular affair, all we need is an excuse … be it bumping into someone after watching RDB … or be it a fake level change I’ve been conferred … or be it HimS’ last day in Talisma … be it Naren’s b’day party … or be it a stupid Product launch event (this is whr I just cme bck from) …

Banjo sutta has become the all-time favorite number in 203 …

I’ve now reached 15 a day … Dash has switched to dunhill … with my count, u can hardly afford tht … I’d given up Marlboro long bck … Navy rules …
twas early last year, that we’d learnt to fly … n now flying has become a habit …

kabhi kabhi I wonder where my life’s heading, as I see ppl getting all set to part ways, but dude, all said n done, I’m back to life … 203 rules ... live it till it lasts ... though i wish life would stop for a while.

Luv across the arabian ...

i'll b bck soon ... watch this space ...

A simple world – Wht? Where?

Once I happened to take a stroll with a senior collegue of mine, generally discussing where our much hyped IT industry’s heading, also bordering occasionally on how ‘easy’ our lives hv become.

Thought I’ll b showered with gyaan on the latest app/framewrk in the fray, stuff which cud make things simple, so to say ‘make technology work for the common man’, and somehow try n get the kicks that u being in the IT industry are playing such an key role in the lives of these ‘Common men’. Surprisingly, all tht this dude with over 10+ years dev-experience in the industry had to say was:

I hate technology. It has made life so fast, so stressful, so miserable for the Common man. A common man wants ‘some’ work, wants peace, wants time. Can technology really fit in here.

Seriously, think of a farmer, staying in a village. Can technology really help him ease his job? Yeah mebbe, but can he afford it? Can technology really substitute the conventional modes of entertainment? Can technology really save him a great deal of time, without changing his conduct, his daily schedule much? Can technology really fill in his quest for solitude?

Chance illla!!!

Was forced to think, how technology helped, if it actually did? In fact there’re certain aspects of life that undoubtedly gain from technology. Sheer pressure from our peers forces us to allow technology to impact the rest, permeate almost every sphere of our lives.

A classical example being that of a sales guy who uses a cell phone to keep in touch with his customers 24x7. His job in most cases has got nothing to do with technology, and as part of which it’d ideally demand him to be accessible for abt 8 hrs a day, but to keep up the pressures of the Sales job in ‘today’s’ world, he’d invariably have to remain accessible 24 hours a day, bole tou cell phone. If not, he’s shown the door. Had it not been for technology, the Customer’s wouldn’t have been so demanding; his job wd’ve been simpler. And we thot technology made life simpler! Phew!
Same is true with our desktop machines; so if we don’t keep upgrading our systems from time to time we’d not deliver solutions in better time thn our competitor, and it wd only b a matter of time before getting thrown outta business.

I’m confused. Not that I’m particularly against novel ideas, newer technologies. But why this rat race? where are we heading ? where is all this gonna end ? what is that we really want ? whats the truth ? Not the first time that I find myself @ square one, asking myself such cliched yet fundamental questions!!

I tried hard to pin-point where the problem really lies, found the soln in the rate at which things are changing, obviously! One idea comes out and the industry pounces (obviously no one’s prepared to backout frm seizing the initiative) on that and comes out with a zillion products, flooding the markets and overwhelming the users with an ever-increasing list of options. More the options, tougher the choice, tougher the decision to tell the right from the wrong, the critical from the important, forget the useless, which infact forms 70-80% of our options . There’s far too much noise. This is akin to searching the meaning of a word on Google. It throws up a million search results (who’z bothered dude). Its much easier with an oxford dictionary. Not always though, but in most cases yes. (diffnt matter tht Google surely realizes this and something’s surely in the works)

Change is good, but with the tech-revolution, the rate of change has become atrociously rampant, which has made life only more complicated – technology’s made life simpler!!
A possible solution is mebbe controlling the rate at which a new technology impacts the market. Idea-horses have to get their timings right, give the market, the users some time to settle down. We’ve gotta somehow control the current chaos, although I believe tht it’d self-balance over a period of time, but whts the time period we’re talking about; who’s got the time dude?

comfortably numbbbbbb ............

Life has never been like this before …

Life has never been so discontinuous … so meaningless, yet so intense n meaningful. I’m euphoric, n the next moment I’m miles from it, miles from myself, miles from the world of sane, into this ethereal sensation.

I’ve never been so helplessly outta control … paranoid delusions have overcome my senses …

Life’s never been so short … so painless …

I feel this overwhelming sense of distance and isolation … Life’s never been so lonely, yet soothing …

Life’s never been this hallucinatory procession of events … events that I tend to realize only after they’re over … events that never happened ….

Life’s never been so slow, as if come to a standstill, just feel I’m stuck in time … I wanna burst open, but fail to reason why …..

I’ve been strumming the guitar, but don’t know what. I donn remember what I just played, without absolutely a hint of whats coming up next.

Is it a dream that’s just gonna end the next second. Second, each second has a new meaning, new dimension attached to it … I tend to wake up over n over again, trying to catch up with the real, but before I realise I’m into the brief journey back into my mind, before waking up again …

I hear Dash calling through the haze, but we seem to be hopelessly anachronous to strike a meaningful conversation.

Not sure if I’m half alive or half dead. I’ve never been so unsure of my existence, not sure if the last second existed. Not sure, if I’d be a part of the next , but I reckon this second’s certainly reflecting the multiple layers and unfound depths of the human psyche , but I somehow seem to have felt this before, I’ve felt lifeless before …

The song in the background seems to have been playing for ages. That’s something I feel I’ve been listening eternally. Life’s never been so pointless, so comfortably numbbbbbbb …

peace ……..